I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. With every fibre of my being I wanted to disappear into the floor and not have to face people. Turning up to rehearsals was essential, but in my fragile state of being it was unbearable that people would have to look at me, see my black eye and all my other bruises, and for my sake carry on like normal. I felt like a freak and a failure and I wanted to run away there and then and let them replace me in the show for someone who could do better.
I've had a fear of singing since I was about 14, after a comment from a school bully caused me to stop singing altogether, despite having sung all my life until then. After 5 years at this theatre group, I gave in to the pressure from my director to audition for a musical and I got the part. The fear never got any easier, though I challenged myself to push on and face up to it rather than run away: it takes the tiniest of setbacks to hurtle me into rewind and resurface all my doubts about my ability to sing, and this was one of those moments. I had been attacked. I had hand prints on my chest, arms and legs and finger marks in my hips and calves and neck. My face was a black and blue mess and my ear was black also. I was in an insufferable amount of pain and that was nothing compared to the crippling anxiety that swamped me at the thought of having to be out in public, particularly on stage. During the attack, I had screamed: it seems that this single moment, coupled with vocal chord nodules and having had hands round my neck, had caused me to lose my voice. I was practically mute. Not only had I been robbed of my self respect, but I now had no voice to sing with or the nerve to see it through. In that moment, I was very much broken.
Then there came the bad news that our band for the show would no longer be able to do it, as one of them was responsible for my suffering...and my heart was just snapping in two at the feeling of responsibility for all this trouble. I thought it would be better if I wasn't there letting everyone down.
A stand in was employed to sing my part at every rehearsal after that, because the doctor had said my outlook was bleak. I watched as my cast mates sang in my numbers and evolved as characters, while I walked through the motions - silent and useless. I was so 'mute' that I couldn't even speak my lines and it was as if everything had been taken away from me. It might sound dramatic, but when your whole life revolves around performing arts, it's a very dark world to face that you might have to rethink your destiny. I didn't take it very well. On the first week I turned up to rehearsals I just trembled and cried and hid in a corner until I had to go on stage. On the second week, I cried. On the third week, I turned up drunk and just in time to hear the very kind stand in sing my parts for the first time...and I cried the whole way through until it was easier just to go home. Six weeks later I had started speaking again but still hadn't sung. On this week there was happy news for me - a band had been found! Not just any old band, but a group of super talented musicians who were hard working and lovely and a great addition to the team. It was a weight off my mind! It gave me some determination to not give up on the idea of singing altogether.
Dress rehearsal came and I was in my seventh week of not singing and feeling really frustrated. However, I had started to feel a little more like my old self thanks to the love and support of my brilliant cast and crew mates. Their love and support was unwavering, and they did everything they could to convince me that everything would be ok and that I could do it! I stood on stage in my costume and made the decision to try singing again. At the end of the dress rehearsal I had managed through all my solos and ensemble numbers without a hitch, and the decision was made that I could now play my part again, which I was thrilled about!
We called this the cursed show; because most of the cast who started off in relationships had ended the show single...but in actual fact, in many ways the show saved some of us. We developed such a tight bond with each other and the crew ( who are often like a separate entity) and over the course of weeks our tears turned to smiles, which in turn became big belly laughs at the moments we were supposed to be quiet backstage. People opened up to each other and were met with understanding - any nerves were quashed by the mutual holding of hands!
Amateur Theatre Companies are often met with criticism but our company isn't just a bunch of wannabes who bond over a love of Shakespeare and mutual understanding of Stanislavsky - it's a life force! Our company is an amalgamation of professional and amateur actors, musicians, dancers, writers, technicians and producers! We are backed by a strong and capable committee who try to look forward and encompass new ideas and encourage more talent to join our entourage. Whatever doubt I have about my capabilities, in this little theatrical bubble I feel safe, protected and respected and am encouraged to be whoever I want to be.
As the curtain opened on the final night of the show, my heart swelled with pride in what we had achieved. I glanced from side to side in awe, soaking up the lights and sounds and ensuring that the whole picture was imprinted in my mind. The stunning voices of my cast mates rang out across a captivated audience who laughed in shock and horror and stayed silence in disbelief. At the moment following the finale there were speeches made about the show. Some of the words were to say that we had a lot to overcome during the making of this show, and my old guilt resurfaced thinking that I was to blame for much of the difficulty...but of course nobody said that! As the tears pricked my eyes for the last encore, we were blown away by an almighty snyth volume error, and my tears were forced away by absolute hilarity. I belong in this place, this place is where good people do good things to make other people happy.
My heart hurts today now it's all over, but I'll never stop being thankful for the little treasures that got me through the worst 2 months of my life, and helped me get back my voice.
LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS 2016
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