It was all set: the pass-the-parcels were lined up, the props were ready, the drinks were on hand and the music was suitably cheesy. Let me just give you a little insight into the characters present...
M - The big director extraordinaire! Swings from serious business to immensely camp and drunk in 2 wines! Is the big Daddy of the family and loved by all
J - Handsome, distinguished sort of chap, good person to have an intellectual chat with but prone to making peculiar jokes and innuendos at the funniest of moments
MG - One of the loudest people in the group with a laugh you can hear 3 streets away. Enjoys performing all day long and is a perpetrator of smut, especially when in close proximity to T.
MJ - Best friend of T, guest at this party and not familiar with many others. Is gay but fancied by women a lot and will happily play along with flirting unless it involves T.
D - Quiet type, not inclined to drink copious amounts or be lowered to the level of the other idiots, but is still a massive laugh. In a relationship with K.
K - A good sport and plenty of fun but is happy to rein it in a bit because she is perfectly content with D.
T - The trouble maker of the group and the one most likely to be loud and sweary and start the nudity, yet would never hurt a fly.
E - Fun and flirty with a burning desire to get her hands on T's breasts. Glamorous looking and ready to join in all the fun.
DB- A rather quiet sort with a dry sense of humour. Approximately 12 feet taller than the rest of the group but is a gentle giant.
H - Similar reckless personality to T. Likes to turn everything into silliness or naughtiness and is the person most likely to be seen staggering around drunk, plotting with T.
AD - A newer addition to the group with a very pretty face, so prone to getting lots of attention. Looks and appears to be sensible.....ISN'T!
A - Angelic looking with a filthy sense of humour and a willingness to share cleavage with other girls. Not consuming alcohol on this night, but you'd never have known it.
AG - Tee total and disgusted at the scandalous behaviour that goes on at these parties, yet can't quite resist joining in somehow. The most sensible person in the group by a clear mile!
B - Nervous about his first drinking session with the group. Quiet chap who suddenly becomes hilariously entertaining after a few beers!
So it starts off nice and placid, sharing anecdotes and memories of the show. Everyone is in good spirits and up for a laugh, which is encouraging. The shots are passed round, shared from the solitary suitable glass (a medicine cup) and it seems a given that this will be a night to remember. M is in fine form, sitting regally on his swivel chair, sipping expensive wine and making an effort not to down it. T announces that she is 'going to the garden to look at her bush' and half the group join her for a cigarette, spouting innuendos like there's no tomorrow.
A small while later the first past the parcel is started. Even that, in true performing arts style, has to be a fiasco. There is nobody to operate the music so J takes charge of a timer, until the group realise that this can easily be rigged and everyone falls about laughing at their own stupidity. So the decision is made to take turns with the timer, which is effectively pointless because there was no set time limit and people were making their own rules up. The dares start tame....dance to the person on your left, wear a silly hat, hold hands with the person opposite...
It doesn't take long until the effects of the alcohol become apparent and the dares get more challenging. T is knelt on the floor as E pours shots between her boobs and licks it out, spilling it all down T's belly button and causing a glue for her leather dungarees to stick to. Cameras flash like the paparazzi and the act is met with rapturous applause and approval as AD jokes about needing to go upstairs for a minute after watching it. MG begins to lap dance M to the stripper theme tune, jiggling his bottom up and down and thoroughly enjoying it. A mounts AD and rides him grand national style with a whip provided by T. The group are in hysterics!
Parcel 2 makes an appearance and two of the group members suddenly disappear, sparking discussion about what they are up to. T wanders upstairs to the bathroom and bumps into J and they stand at the top of the stairs discussing whether or not they are too drunk. DB interrupts and mistakes their conversation as some kind of intimate moment and the three stand awkwardly, not quite understanding what is going on. Downstairs, MG has made a hat for K out of streamers and newspaper, and she has had a dare to hold the crotch of D for the remainder of the game.
A few rounds on and E is tied to a rope between T's legs. DB has his hand in A's pocket and MG has to apply lipstick to A using his mouth only. H is wandering around drunkenly and B seems to be continually topless, especially when having cheese eaten off him by M. It is all spiralling into ridiculousness.
At approximately 2am, E suggests ordering pizza, which unravels an hour long saga about who wants what and how much it is. As she rings said pizza, B is demonstrating sexual positions on T, who now doesn't have anything but a bra on because her top has been dropped in a muddy puddle of beer and soggy tissue paper. A round of spin the bottle commences and evolves into some kind of LGBT conference, with most outcomes seeing men swapping saliva with each other and women sharing tongues while the men appreciatively look on aghast. T was delighted about J's snog with A and the group had a very positive reaction to E's snog with T, which was probably just a little too over zealous. Most of the group had kissed most of the group by this point and, exhausted, our minds turned to pizza....an hour had passed, Hot topic in the room - where is the pizza? E had rung it an hour ago, so she was given the annoying job of chasing it up. The pizzas, it seemed, had been delivered once and missed. The group were in uproar: 'missed pizza, we've been here all the time', 'he's lying nobody has been', 'what time do you call this for pizza?' Neglecting to remember the noise levels and the probability that we had actually missed it, we lodged a complaint!
PIZZA TIME! With the last parcel sitting with just one layer left, the group tuck into their assortment of pizzas in delight. They pass around each variety to make sure nobody is left out. 15 minutes pass before the group realise that all but one of the pizzas are in fact the same, and none of those were actually our correct order. A pepperoni query breaks out and MG decides that the sensible thing is to carry on the game. At some point, MJ decides to give himself a dare. He rings a local taxi rank and requests 'I'd like to order an armpit please'. The group collapse in hysterics as MJ manages a few minutes of loudspeaker conversation about needing a smelly armpit delivered and, in further good spirits, the group continue their game with a discussion about the last time they each watched porn and what it was.
Things were going downhill rapidly, so, in a bid to continue the debauchery, B suggests a game of improvisation. At this prime part of the evening, things go wild. M is slapping MG round the face, E is trying to speak in a Scottish accent, MG is being a human photocopier, T is Dopey from the seven dwarves, M is shouted at a cheating lover, who is B, betrayed by J. H is trying to join the improve but is only just capable of remembering her own name. The living room has turned into a thick fog of cigarette smoke and there is no existing floor, simply a layer of party favours, paper, alcohol, streamers and pizza! Some of the group decide to leave...
Reflecting on he evening's events, H, M, MG, DB and MJ pour another drink and wait for taxis. MG mutters incoherently laid on the sofa. B falls over as he leaves the house, ice skating on a river of wine and floppy tissue paper. MG stands up and announces his departure like an angry drunk and T and MJ's taxi turns up. En route home, T realises she is still only wearing a bra and that she has a mammoth martini headache. A messages T to tell her that he has arrived safely from his 2 hour walk home alone and is fine. T and MJ get into bed at 5.15am with the sun coming up and a bird tweeting on a tree outside. T looks down and sees a penis drawn on her chest by A in an earlier game.
It hurt that night. They had a bloody great time!
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